My response "whaaaaaaat?! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG EEEEEEEEEK!"
I am so happy that she is coming. Her birthday is on the 28th. But this is a new man in her life. And I have seen them come and go. With our three little hearts attached or not. Just recently my step dad of ten years. He may have done some things that weren't 'father figure-ly' of him, and for those, I can never forget, but he was there. For ten years he was there. Just today he sent me $40. How cute. We haven't spoken in 3 months.
And John Blair. Five years. You fucked that up, didn't you, little boy? You were the first man, other than my dad to steal my heart and make me feel like I had a father. Drop her on her head and put her face through a window.. What a father, what a man. And still I shamefully miss you.
Dad, you never could make her completely happy could you? You two, both, products of filthy, unspeakable acts that should never have come into existence. Just babes, children, the disease was planted in you so young. And that I blame for your death. I know you always loved her. But the bottle came first. Your heart was beautiful, you are my number one. But even you couldn't provide me with everything I needed. You were missing so many times when I needed you. I know you hated yourself for that. But I don't hate you. I turned out alright. And your hand had a lot to do with it.
Mom, my little lost mommy. Spent your life pleasing others. "a poor single mother on welfare, tell me how you did it" (-tu pac) You had the help of men. And that is what it is. You were temporarily happy, but I know your secret. You stayed miserable so many times so you could provide for your girls and make us happy. I don't think my sisters see that. But I do. And I appreciate it... from the very depths of my damaged heart and soul. Isn't life so ironic. We weren't happy. You gave us the material things, which is what most children want. But as a child, growing up in broken home, you learn to know what matters and what doesn't. I'm Sorry for you being so sad and lonely over the years. But I had to get away.
Now my only hope is that you pay attention to me when you get here. As the womyn that I am. See who you raised. See who I am. I know you'll want to please him and make him happy. And I can't wait to meet him. I know what those initial months are and what they mean in a relationship. I have been there too. And I hope that those initial months foreshadow your whole relationship with him, your whole life. But I need you to see me. I need you to see in me what dad did. Tell me the words I've been longing to hear touch your lips. Tell me you're proud of me. Tell me you need me. Be my mother. Womyn to Womyn. 6 years is a long time. I may be getting older. I may have been thrust into independence but I still need a mother. I STILL NEED YOUR guidance.
I'm happy for my friends. But it hurts to see them go home to family. On the weekends, for the holidays. When they need a break. Or they need help. Or someone to count on. I've never had that. And I'm envious. I know I have asked for help before. Times when I never quite told you the extent to it because deep down I knew you couldn't help me. Times you tossed me 40 when I need a few hundred. Or when I needed rent. or groceries or just to vent. But deep down, I knew you couldn't. I just stopped asking. And SOME how I did it. And it hurt and it was hard. But I figured it out. And nobody was at the end to congradulate me, or give me a pat on the shoulder, or say "good job." What was my reward? A roof over my head and food in my belly. MOST of the time. The exact things you taught us as children "I put a roof over your head and food on the table, the least you can do... blah blah blah" it makes sense now.
Thanks mom
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