Soda Water

You
Already you are on my mind
A constant buzz of swimming thoughts
Only a fraction worth of memories
and My heart has been marked with your touch,
Your scent,
Your smile,
Your warmth and your Beauty.
To see you is to see everything
and nothing all at once.
I can't stop staring,
but yet I pull away quickly
so I do not burn through you.
You confuse me like soda water confuses my taste buds.
I know that it is water and it is pure
But I expect the taste of sugar on my tongue.
You are good for me. Pure, sparkling and clean.
Behind your eyes lie hidden pains you keep from the world.
To save others the burden of just knowing;
You lock it up and forget about its power.
But it Lingers.

I want to know your everything,
Inside and Out.
I can't believe the pain that has subsided since you came into my life.
My heart,
still lacking,
but only in the hurt that it has so overwhelmingly felt not very long ago;
is growing stronger and happier every day.
Its been a week..
And I'm seven times happier than I was 8 days ago.



Like fresh sparkling water pouring from the glaciers of a mountain
or the drop from an islands falls marks the rocky bottom bed,
The purity of your fragile life pumping organ, called a heart,
beats life through my bloody river veins.

Went to bed at 6:30 - ish
Got up at 8 ish
I had to come home
I missed my son.
Love of my life.
Aka only man of my life

Legit FML

My cat has freckles on his tongue
I have freckles on my cheeks
My heart has wounds etched within
My past has eyes that pierce right through
A set of ears that heard every word
And A mouth that silently spoke volumes
Nothing was seen
Never was I heard
Never did I listen
Razor blades have met my flesh
Blood has tainted white Porcelain
Scissors slashed my neck
Scars skin deep
Emotionally I'm fucked
Rip out my heart
Crush my veins
cut off my limbs
I will feel every mark
And when the day is over
I will hide it all
I hate that I feel
Fuck why do we feel?
I love love
the alcohol numbs me
I'm becoming you
and it hurts so so bad
What does 'stop' mean?
My tears aren't even salty
Stop?
I'll be right beside you
Who am i?
I say it as a joke so often
But really I don't even know.
I avoid mirrors.
I avoid my eyes.
they look like his.
Butterflies will fly
Leaves will dance
Flowers will smell
Choirs will sing
Karma will purr
And again, at the end of the day
I actually love my fucked up life.
Fuck.



I still have humor to save my life.

Just found an email from November 24th that I must have overlooked. I wish it could have waited one more day to be found. Now knowing what I know when I see you look at her, see you smile, see you graze her skin with your touch, I know now behind those gestures is love. Love that used to be ours. Love that was stolen. Love that I am going to forget about.. starting at this moment.
Im going to my bedroom and Im getting rid of everything that was yours. Every picture, every note, every gift. As If I didn't do it already. I was waiting. I was hoping and waiting. Now I see. Its time. to Get the fuck over you. I'm happy that you are happy. Treat her better.
You weren't good enough for me anyway.

Things I have to get rid of

• letters from you
• unsent letter written for you
• books
• hats
• clothes
• pictures
• gifts

Who am I kidding? I have to move.

They Can't Hear you Anyway (2004)

Go to Sleep
Close your eyes
Don't make another peep
Dream away all those lies
Drag your body out of bed
pull yourself into the shower
Your dreams still fresh in your head
At least there, you had all the power
Now its time for dress up
Don't forget your mask
Hide that you're a fuck up
And cover up your past
So maybe you will read a book
Possibly watch a movie
Fiction creating a crook
A thief of a life you'd much rather live
Why don't you go for a stroll
Surround yourself with mother natures beauty
Be calm, Don't lose control
The wild cannot see that you're ugly
Lock yourself in your small but humble abode
Turn the volume up all the way
Now there is more weight, it's a heavier load
Don't hold back, scream and cry
every word that you have ever had to say
They can't hear you anyway

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-- Robert Frost


When you see the path is trodden down
take the one less walked upon

I'm Sorry I didn't put my whole heart towards loving you.

Your rays made my heart shine.
Without them, I need to peal layers away in order to let the light hit my heart.
The missing layers makes my heart bleed and
The light makes it grow
I have a growing bleeding heart
The pain bursting like a supernova

Empty and Lonely

Why can't people just be open to one another? We are all the same. We were all put here to face similar trials. Boys are too busy hiding their fears and their tears behind tempers and anger. It must be so hard to have to be so strong all of the time. Maybe thats why the abuse and raping of womyn occurs. The girls are too busy in their little cliques laughing at the other girls who are laughing at them who are laughing at the girls who are crying in the mirror because they are too fat or too thin and have cellulite and acne growing on their skin!

Humans don't realize how in tune to one another we actually are. We joke, we laugh, we talk, we share, we smile, we care, and grow and feel and cry ... all these emotions and actions and we share them all! Why are we so antisocial? WHy does society perceive and portray life and this world so negatively, so dangerously, so inaccurately? It is killing people as we speak. And here we are, selfish little ants, looking out for ourselves. Number one. Not even putting your children before your own needs. Worse than that, there are innocent children in this world ,products of broken homes, of rape, and hate that are out there, lost, lonely, loveless and homeless. And still, whats worse than that, is the fact that its not even something that is happening in places we haven't even heard of, it is happening in our own backyard. I see it on the streets. It actually breaks my heart. In this day and age and in a developed nation such as ours, it should be unacceptable! It shouldn't be happening!

I want to help. Where on earth do I even begin? In developing countries? My own Country? My own family? With myself? Sometimes I'm lost, and lonely and feeling loveless. Everyone needs a little help. Where will it start? On the street, offer up my change so he can buy his next bottle? Well, why not?! who are we to judge that person for wanting to drink or shoot up?! That is all that person has left in the world to look forward to! He's already been abandoned and the world has turned its back on him, why not?

It still baffles me to see people so casually walking by the homeless man or womyn on the street with their life in a nap sac beside them while wrapped up in their torn sleeping bag. I literally have to turn my head. I cant walk by casually. But I cant look. my heart hurts too much to see it. I cant look until the day I can help. And I will help. Somehow. for now Ill just share my left overs, and drop change when I can. If I cant do either, I will just try to flash the friendliest and warmest smile possible.

I don't really know where this entry was going, but I think it went where it wasn't first intended to go. If that makes any sense.


Next time someone is asking for change,
take a good hard look in their eyes.
Maybe even talk to them. Befriend them, just for a moment.
When you go home, look into your own eyes.
You are probably just as lost as that person living on the street.
But at least you are warm.

I still remember...

when you would save the butteriest piece of popcorn for me
you would let me touch your skin til i fell asleep
you wouldn't sleep til you knew I was safely dreaming
For if they were nightmares you would literally chase them away
you let me cry when I had to.. sometimes you cried with me
we'd sit in the middle of the living room to watch scary movies.. screaming together
getting ready to go out with you... it was the best.
our hair, your makeup, id pretend to wear it. maybe I would wear your blush
brushing our teeth
sweet kisses and body brushes
the smell of your cologne
your touch brought goosebumps to my surface
things getting bumpy
every day you brought me flowers
we always got through it
I guess I never got past though
I hesitated
I still remember I hesitated
I lost you in that moment
I still remember
you told me you would wait forever plus a day.
You lied.

'cause Now I'm Waiting.

A Christmas Plea (2006)

Daddy,

Christmas is getting closer, and I miss you more and more everyday. I wish that you would be around this year. I'm not even going home; I don't think I really want to, as much as I miss everyone. Going back there is never going to feel the same... not without you at least. Especially with the anniversary of your death always being on the 25th. Christmas day just marks 9 months, why would I want to celebrate that?

Just come back home dad. I miss you so much and it's never going to stop hurting. Hopefully I'll see you soon. Please never leave me completely. I need to feel you around me. I miss you lots daddy! And I'll love you for forever!

Christina

P.S. Merry Christmas

P.S.S Try to respond to my letter.
I miss your voice.
I miss your phone calls.

When you cry I cry
I cry along with you
When you smile I smile
I smile along with you 

Manipulate the Manipulative (2007)

Wake up
Smell the dirty air
The brick in the wall
The glass ceiling
You're not going anywhere!

You're stuck in this Game
Called life
Draw a card
Roll the dice
You're chances
Already deceived
Flip the coin
Pull a straw
You lose
You always will
Living on this planet

Rise above the smog
Clear your mind
Read the signs
Fit the pieces
See what you can find

When you're there
Notice the poverty
addiction
The homicide and suicide,
Thieving and the pain

Manipulate the manipulative
Corrupt the corrupter
Keep your friends close
and your enemies closer
Fuck the System
Or the System fucks you


This is our system
this is our earth
these are our corrupters
what is our worth?

Reassurance

A heart can be broken
A smile can be frowned
A dream can be shattered
A life can be taken
A minute can be lost
and as sure as the sun will shine
Death will eventually be mine

Mine to keep
Mine to discover
and explore
Mine to understand
Comfortably and quietly
Mine to watch,
look back
and reminisce

Lady

Such good news from my mom today. "Guess what! Rob bought me a ticket to Toronto to see you Boxing day. We'll go to a bar while they go to the hockey game. We leave on the 29th"

My response "whaaaaaaat?! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG EEEEEEEEEK!"

I am so happy that she is coming. Her birthday is on the 28th. But this is a new man in her life. And I have seen them come and go. With our three little hearts attached or not. Just recently my step dad of ten years. He may have done some things that weren't 'father figure-ly' of him, and for those, I can never forget, but he was there. For ten years he was there. Just today he sent me $40. How cute. We haven't spoken in 3 months.

And John Blair. Five years. You fucked that up, didn't you, little boy? You were the first man, other than my dad to steal my heart and make me feel like I had a father. Drop her on her head and put her face through a window.. What a father, what a man. And still I shamefully miss you.

Dad, you never could make her completely happy could you? You two, both, products of filthy, unspeakable acts that should never have come into existence. Just babes, children, the disease was planted in you so young. And that I blame for your death. I know you always loved her. But the bottle came first. Your heart was beautiful, you are my number one. But even you couldn't provide me with everything I needed. You were missing so many times when I needed you. I know you hated yourself for that. But I don't hate you. I turned out alright. And your hand had a lot to do with it.

Mom, my little lost mommy. Spent your life pleasing others. "a poor single mother on welfare, tell me how you did it" (-tu pac) You had the help of men. And that is what it is. You were temporarily happy, but I know your secret. You stayed miserable so many times so you could provide for your girls and make us happy. I don't think my sisters see that. But I do. And I appreciate it... from the very depths of my damaged heart and soul. Isn't life so ironic. We weren't happy. You gave us the material things, which is what most children want. But as a child, growing up in broken home, you learn to know what matters and what doesn't. I'm Sorry for you being so sad and lonely over the years. But I had to get away.

Now my only hope is that you pay attention to me when you get here. As the womyn that I am. See who you raised. See who I am. I know you'll want to please him and make him happy. And I can't wait to meet him. I know what those initial months are and what they mean in a relationship. I have been there too. And I hope that those initial months foreshadow your whole relationship with him, your whole life. But I need you to see me. I need you to see in me what dad did. Tell me the words I've been longing to hear touch your lips. Tell me you're proud of me. Tell me you need me. Be my mother. Womyn to Womyn. 6 years is a long time. I may be getting older. I may have been thrust into independence but I still need a mother. I STILL NEED YOUR guidance.

I'm happy for my friends. But it hurts to see them go home to family. On the weekends, for the holidays. When they need a break. Or they need help. Or someone to count on. I've never had that. And I'm envious. I know I have asked for help before. Times when I never quite told you the extent to it because deep down I knew you couldn't help me. Times you tossed me 40 when I need a few hundred. Or when I needed rent. or groceries or just to vent. But deep down, I knew you couldn't. I just stopped asking. And SOME how I did it. And it hurt and it was hard. But I figured it out. And nobody was at the end to congradulate me, or give me a pat on the shoulder, or say "good job." What was my reward? A roof over my head and food in my belly. MOST of the time. The exact things you taught us as children "I put a roof over your head and food on the table, the least you can do... blah blah blah" it makes sense now.




Thanks mom

Dream Collaboration

That wolf was always visiting me
for as long as i can remember
up those floating stairs,
past the flying fish and
throughthecardboardwalls.
The bear cloud in the sky
transforming
shaping
into freddie Kreugars claw
ripping at my family
busting my soccer ball.
Mr.
Johnstone gripping that bat soooooOOO
tight
Ready to make HIS move
On my perverted grandpy.
Something holding him back
screaming for help
the move is not to happen
his hands on my pre pubescent body.

life floats ooooOOon. liiiife floats ooOooon.

Her SILHOUETTE in the s t e a m
i can recognize it any time
up against the counter
she lets me makehermine
the shower hums in the background,
s tead ily floowing t r i c k l e

RunniNg for hours
in ONE spot
never ever escaping
Its the most uncomfortable
feeling
in that red room with one TV
and plaid sofa
The lights cannot be altered
Time cannot be told
nightmares TrEmOr my physical being
convulsing with eyes wide shut
Wake in a sweat
heart pounding hard
eyes scanning ========fffffffffast==========---
my breathing s l o w s to an even pace
and that boogie man appears!
I'm still sleeping..
TRAPPED
How the fuck do I get OUT of here?!
Scream at my face and in my ears
Wake up CHRISTINA, wake UP!
My eyes open
AGAIN pounding heart
breathing hard scanning fast.
I AM awake. Don't slip back
time to move your position
side
back
belly
each one has a different nightmare
a different scare;
a rapist .. a mugger .. an assailant . ..
a monster .. a friend .. a ghost ..
death.. life ... living.. dying ..
Don't look now i'm always crying
Shot four times
Many cliffs I've flung from
stabbed in the heart and in the back
grabbed at punched out
kicked on spit at

And still I float on ... LIFE floooats ooooon



oh time, rescue me. tell me when to wake up.
tell me when to breathe
tell me where my life is going
see me in my dreams. ♥

rain water shower

in this steam
sadness hides.
with this water
tears may trickle
all the dirt
will wash away.
naked.
i am real.
bare for the
universe to see.
if the stars could twinkle
above me
and rain flowing
to quench me,
to cleanse me,
and replenish me;
it is then that
i will be
complete.

Shy Eyes

Stomach knotted
Face contorted
Body itching
feet antsy

To get this feeling out
write
write fast
write hard
don't stop writing!
Is this what it takes?

Put up a front
Laugh
smile
giggle
nerves never showing
But if you knew me
You'd see it
Smeared across my skin

My words tripping
stumbling
all over your face
stutters on the table
Trembling hands
hold fast
to my glass of Bier

Words scattered
Jumbled in my head
like a Word search,
I put them together
Some wrong answers

Still she smiles at my angst

Butterflies float on
in and out of my body
Distractions I find
anything to hide my fear
Her lips
her eyelashes
her teeth
her smile.
Her eyes..
I can't carry mine to hers.
Not yet
All is beautiful though
All is calm
When Shes smiling back at me.



Shy eyes see everything .. but her eyes...

Its been 6 months and today I threw away your shampoo.

"Our Hands will not be taught to hold anothers when we're the Special two"

Tea and Cigarettes

Words you say
make me smile
kind and warm
and never rile

drink your tea
inhale your smoke
burning red
lip bottom biting bit

sink counters high
never high enough
hair tossed
kisses gentle

goosebumps prickle
skin tickled
laughter and giggles
sweat trickles

come closer
its not enough
on top of me.
its never enough

lick your lips
bat your lashes
kiss my eyes
i touch your rashes

bodies burning
loins yearning
too much to touch
so much to learn

screaming dreams
upside down
on clouds so high
in cereal aisles
under the frame
behind closed doors
on others beds
screaming dreams in my head

come closer now
its not enough
beside me
on top of me
inside of me
inside of you
its never enough

Infinite City Night Light Love

Your lips cast a thousand spells.
Your eyes lock me in a trance.
Our bodies together, entwined
One touch, one whole, one love.

All words combine,
Explode into one.
Where pain has no meaning,
No existence in ours.

Nothing makes sense
Besides the pleasures we share.
And the unspoken words
Entangled behind tongues.

Our bodies dance into darkness,
Where time has no essence.
The sounds of the city night
Alive with the glory of love.

In the distant horizon
The sun threatens sleep.
Hearts beating faster
As climax mounts peak.
The sheets knotted tight,
Two bodies entangled.
Beads of sweat trickle.
Chests heaving heavy.

All becomes faded
As sleep settles in.

[ Keep Me from Myself ]

I like it when you hit me
I love it when you scream
Your Cries remind me what is real
My pain shows me that I can feel
So come on give it to me
Hate me til I bleed
You have to do this for me
Keep me from myself

Pain is nothing if you've never met Pleasure.

Pain has an element of blank; It cannot recollect when it began, or if there
were a day when it was not.
It has no future but itself, It's infinite realms contains It's past,
enlightened to perceive new periods of Pain.

Shadows are Dark

Sometimes,
I don't know what to think
When you're not there.
When you're not looking at me
And every smile I cast is for your eyes
Every word I speak is for your ears
And still you don't notice.
You are looking at yourself in the mirror
Do you even recognize your own eyes?
You're looking but you just aren't
Seeing.
Your hair in your eyes
Yourself on your brain
Your selfishness radiates
I know who I am
You are not who I thought
And you have no idea
Your skin deep self is all you see
And I will be all that you want
The moment you realize
I'm not in your shadow
Anymore.

The moons reflection is more beautiful...

Scattered Leaves

My phone buzzes
I jump
I think that it is you
I hope that it is you
But it is not
It's when I least expect it
That you arrive
You catch me off guard
And it hurts
Every inch of my being aches
My heart is pumping blood
Blood through veins that are not my own
Through a body that knows not how to react
Creating thoughts.
Scattered. Words.
Meaningless.
Words.

This message is for everyone
except for you

Lonely, Lonely

So many emotions enter our lives
every day, every minute, every second
We are faced with happiness, sadness, anger;
all of which eventually subside
there is one that lingers in the
DARKNESS
In the shadows...
Waiting.
It creeps up occasionally
But I subdue it
I reduce its intensity
By Ignoring it
I tame it
But I feel it
Lurking, creeping...
Waiting...
Lonely, Lonely,
that is me.


walk with me. talk to me. sit close.
hold my hand. touch my heart. <3

March 25th 2006

Who was once the man of my life
became the man of my dreams
the man of my future
becomes the man of past
the man of my hopes and wishes
becomes man of my thoughts
the man on the phone
becomes the echo in my ear
the man of my blood
becomes me.
♥

For You, From Me

When You come to visit me
I like it. My doorbell rings
I can never see You
I know that You are there
Lights flickering
Is comfort to my heart
The music You send me
touches my soul and
brings tears to my surface
The breeze in my hair
The rays on my skin
I feel You
all around me
I see You in my
eyes;
The deep brown we share
They all see you in me
I saw me in You
When we were two
we were one
now I am one
and we are two
Come see me in my dreams
Lets talk like old friends
Reminisce
Laugh
Cry
We knew the world together
tiny specs on this planet
You see me every day
I see You never
We were unbeatable
Until You were beaten
We were lonely together
Now I'm lonely alone

Breathe

Your words echo over and over in my ear
“I’m happy where my life is here
I don’t miss the way we used to be at all”
The words slap my face and mark my heart

Everything we once were
And everything we were supposed to be
Has been erased
In front of my eyes

With those simple stinging words
My heartstrings pull
In every which direction
And you are my puppet master

You know how to keep me hooked
Like a fish on a lure with no where to go
You wear your halo for everyone to see
But your horns shine through in my dreams

In time I will get over you
I don’t need you to let me go
I can do it on my own
And you will miss me

Maybe these are words that I need to hear
To help me get over
The thought of us
Why does that thought fancy me?

Maybe your words are what you need to hear
To help you get over
The thought of us
Why does that thought not fancy you?

You tormented me with your lies
And your cheating
But still I catch fire when our eyes meet
Still I catch fire

The day will come that you will catch fire,
You will be burned
I hope the scars don’t last long
As long as the scars that I carry
The scars that I desperately seek to hide

Your seductive ways still linger in my mind
You knew when to use me
You knew when to chew me
You knew when I was done...
Used up like a tasteless piece of gum
Spit me out

The easy silence you introduced
We shared together
Appreciated together
Now my silence is tainted
With mad thoughts of you
My music is tainted
By memories longing for you

My tears are running dry
My body stiff
My heart a little colder
My eyes a little sadder
These are my pieces
My parts
And you can’t have them.
They are mine and mine alone
Mine to share,
Mine to keep
Mine to take back.

I may be dried up and useless and unlovable
But it will rain
My body will be quenched
And I will love and be loved again
And all my dried up and useless and unlovable parts will flow to the sound of my favorite song

Still Fall-ing

"Oh Tiger-Lily" Said Alice, addressing herself to one that
was waving gracefully around in the wind. "I wish you could talk?"
"We can talk" Said the Tiger-Lily
"when there is anybody worth talking to"
♥