the People: Reign Over Me

Let it bend before it breaks
in my angst I will relax
and I'll remit but I wont give in
to your selfish grin and
your evil pull in this great wide world;
you can't win
try as you may lose as you must
'cause my heart and soul has strength
and my smile is contagious
my love, addictive
the world needs this
shelter from the storm
together we'll carry on
into the eye until it passes by
the weak grow stronger
the strongest weaken
I will rise above
and shake the shit out of your dumb
so you shall succumb to the greatest power that has yet to reign;
the people
and when all your steeples have fallen in
and your religion no longer can convince
this world to rage forward with senseless war
then we shall find our peace, inner and world
divided we fall
come, take my hand
and united the people will eventually stand



Reign Over Me
Take me as I am
Accept me for who I'll be
Judge not Ye who falters onto thee

I am Still

Every lie within me is one beautifully kept secret
Like a ribbon tied tightly around my ring finger
I remember not to slip
To slip into an abyss of this dangerously unforgiving world
I falter but I show no signs
My seams tied tightly on the surface
Took years of building these fragmented pieces to portray this
the fear of the rage and the anger has subsided
almost only a figment of my imagination
until it sneaks up that dark pathway to my heart
cuts the cord and trips me in the nerves
but that is okay because
I have learned and I am still learning
I know that when it hurts that I can cry because
I have cried and I am still crying
and when someone so near to me is lost momentarily in time and held in distance
I know that
I have grieved and I am still grieving
In my past when i felt that I
I had died on the inside
that was only because
I have died and I am still dying..
But I also know that when I smile on the outside and I feel it in my heart so intensely that it brings tears to my eyes..
I know that I have lived and I am still living.

In Your Eyes

In your eyes I see me for what I am
For what you make me believe.
I am greater than the greatest,
Far prettier than the girl in the mirror lets me see.
A smile that can move mountains.
Strength that can pick me up and all that hath fallen around me.
A voice that can soothe a crying baby.
A whisper that can silence the gods.
In your eyes you show me that I can be whatever I want to be in this great wide world.
At the very ends of my finger tips
is the end of hungry kids and the promise of world peace
No more poverty on the streets with every pace and beat of my feet
In your eyes I am limitless possibility.

From the bottom to the top of my heart and the depths of my soul
Is a love for someone I never knew I could find again.
But your eyes found it.
You pulled the love I have in me and surfaced it.
And now I am yours.

In my eyes you are perfect.
In my heart you are stained.
In my soul you are etched.
On my mind you are a constant.
Within my everything, you are forever.

Missing Your Lips

hope floats upon tiny wings that keeps my heart fluttering
from winter through to spring
tripping over my shoestrings you break my fall with your lips
your taste still lingers

No Shock to this Heart of Mine

A whisper in the wind
a tear in the sky
a cry in the rain
rage against the thunder
rip the lightning bolts from the clouds
pain subdued by wonder

death
death
death
death

I blame myself to sleep
I cry myself awake
My body wrenches and it heaves violent bolts of pain through this chest plate
Like a record, i repeat myself
with different verse my words aren't heard
only written to be cast away to collect dust
And I will do this all over again
I must
And when I cant hold it in any longer
and nobody is around
and nobody is listening
I will rage war on the Gods
and the lightning and thunder will fear my wrath

life
life
life
life

half alive?
but the sparks in my eyes will tell you otherwise
they push me forward and brighten my path
I push on my own chest to pump oxygen through these lungs
Sometimes I forget to breathe
I forget to eat
I forget to sleep
And In my dreams the obscurity of life becomes clearer
Like the blue of the sky reflecting on the salty oceans
The green of the leaves bursting through buds on a tree and the blades of grass tickling my toes
like the scent of spring flowers luring my nose
and the sounds of my music making my day and saving my life..
I will make my way past the rising fury, this forever hurting, the loss of love, the distance of family, the deaths of best friends, this constant knot left unknown... and I will look towards... I will look towards.. something more

Mom...

The snap of my jeans as I fold my laundry reminds me of you. Now I discover that I have one channel without cable. Turns out it's CTV. Oprah is on. I hear it playing in the background, and without watching, this too, reminds me of you. Not only does smell remind us of our past and certain memories, but so does sound. I guess that's why some music has become tainted in our lives. As a child these things were comforting; I'm now 24, doing the same things as you and I am completely content in this moment.

<3

Black and White Eulogy

Black and white
This walking shell holds your ashes tight
Close to my stitched up heart
You and I, we wont ever part
Your blood pumps through this body
Your thoughts spark in my mind
Images fill these tears
For you and me
It has been four long years
I can still hear your voice
On the other end of the telephone cord
Miles between
But distance could never keep us
You wear your medals proud
Your voice booming loud
Louder than that contagious smile that you threw around
So freely
I try to remember new things every day
But these torn memories begin to fade
Your dying heart
Like this skinny love of ours
A piece of you in my every part
I’ll carry you with me always
Your jokes they echo in my head
You repeated them oh, so often
And still I can’t remember one..
How can two people so close
Become so divided and chained so far?
And through this world so black and white
Your colour will always shine through the brightest
And although every night I’m knocking at your door
It seems as though your in-between world may be
keeping you
But just in case you forgot
Tomorrow marks an important day
And it’s not the day of your death
I’m so proud of you dad…
For coming so far..
As tomorrow marks your 1,460th day
Of being clean and sober
And with only a few hours away
“Here’s a drink to your bones that this dog still
Dreams about”





♥ ♥ ♥ I'll hold this loss in my heart forever ♥ ♥ ♥

"we are all a little weird
and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whos weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love"
-Anonymous

Beautifully Imperfect

Being Happy doesn't mean that everything is PERFECT...
It means that YOU'VE decided to look beyond the imperfections..

I look beyond the imperfections

♥♥♥

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

Happy birthday

I Still miss you

Just Breathe

X Marks the Spot

I drew an x today
The first I ever have
They say x marks the spot
What lies beneath it I know not
beating, i hear my pulse
it sounds like drums against my chest
A freak locked behind my rib cage
ripping at my hair
and pulling at my face
hands tied
eyes open wide
..its waiting...
..im waiting...
Life and death lie beneath that x
Living within is death trying to escape
And Life is dying to come in
I may be a little hallow
As I enjoy watching this tryst
Neither will lose this battle beneath the x
both will walk away winners
as Life and Death leave me in pieces
pieces in my bed, pieces in the shower,
Pieces in your ears, in your eyes, on the ground and in the air
I will leave a little piece everywhere I go
til one day I just cant go anymore
I will have nothing left to leave
And my purpose will be served
my last piece I will leave in the mirror
as i stare deep into my own eyes
When i realize that it was all only a fraction of what is really out there
I drew an x today
The first I ever have
They say x marks the spot
What lies beneath it, I know not

The Ones

I said that I would not cry for you
My boy, they say you were just a cat
How could I be so unfortunate
to lose my only two best friends?
Without you guys I feel so lonely
And with these idiots, its even worse.
I want to scream and shake this dry and shameless planet
Or at least the people that empower it
I want to wipe the feelings (they haven't acknowledged)
Across their brains and stick it to their nerves
Wake up and smell the fucking vanity
The filth and greed you live amongst
You walk with your head held so high
While these innocent pawns wither and die
Drugs, alcohol, starvation and poverty, just to name a few
But still, their pride so strong
Hope shines upon the needy and moves us all along
The 'Ones' that will know what to do,
They have the information
The 'Ones' someday to rise against
Your fucking time will come..
Your Karma will hang you up and cut you loose

Could it be?

my hands are dry
my feet are cold
eyes are glazed
im feeling bold
feeling lonely
free to say what i want
ill push you away
after all you had to say
that wasn't what you meant
or a 'read-between-the-lines' type of thing
my glands are swollen
from my lungs to my head
thoughts scattered
did I really mean everything I said?
Why do i have to be so abrasive?
at 24 I still react with one emotion
to the people who care most
Anger.
That has been eating at my insides
for far longer than anyone knows
temper tantrums as a child
raging at my sisters.
doors ripped from its hinges
my head heave.. heaving.. heaved
through beautiful stained glass windows
just to note the damage is far more on the glass.
on me, just a scratch. the blood wasnt enough
Bring it up a size.
A nice big pitcher window.
Hurl.. hurling.. hurled my head
through that thick paned glass.
finally what i wanted.
tainted my body,
drenched my hair,
dyed my clothing,
the colour of red.
When would it ever be enough?
how do i control it now?
Sometimes it bubbles
it rises into my throat
and pushes down the good
brings out the hurt
mine.
Could that dark figured man really
be..
my anger, emotion, and pain
manifested into a negative being
unleashed onto
me?
In reality unleashed onto
thee?



It takes a strong person
to make amends and apologize,
it takes an even stronger person
to listen and forgive.
I'm sorry. <3

nightly terror

And when the sun falls
and the new moon rises
I will stay awake til the point of exhaustion
I won't close my eyes til my eyes close me
My head will bob and I will drift towards sleep
And You will come
You dark cloaked figure
You haunt me for unknown reasons
You keep me scared and vulnerable
In my sleep I see you.
No face to be shown, nor voice to be heard
You just stand there
watching me. Sometimes
ghostly, horrifically,
you scatter, like
floating fluttering fabric in a wind storm,
a flock of a thousand flapping crows in my face,
a cackle in the background.
I cry myself awake
with clenched fists and tear and sweat stained clothes
I fight myself but not you.
What are you?
maybe, tonight, when I see you
we shall share words.
I feel you waiting
beckoning to me from my room,
in my head.
I'm getting drowsy. I'll be there soon
As much as I hate your visits,
you're my only constant.
Don't go.

gaah

get this feeling out of my chest
take my heart and turn it inside out
detach my heart strings from my brain
I dont want to think anymore

how can i formulate sentences to even explain anymore how fucking much you hurt me and how disposable i am and how easy I am to get over?! my fucking life is nothing without you. I smile. I laugh. I talk. I exist. I'm dead on the inside.
Leave me alone and get the fuck out of my head and heart!! let me move on. let me find someone i can be happy with. stop lingering and creeping. Stop keeping me yours when you're not mine. take this anger away. the anger that you always hated so much. now i'm just a shell. a walking carcass. I'm nothing more nor less. No inspiration. no motivation. a broken bleeding heart with legs and tear ducts ran dry.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you
Never takes too long
no matter what I say or do
I still feel you here
til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
then to drown in your love
and not feel your rain
set me free
leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am
and I stand so tall
and I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
but you're onto me
You're all over me
oh, you love me 'cause I'm fragile
and I thought that I was strong
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone
Set me free
leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
here I am
and I stand so tall
just the way I'm supposed to be
but you're on to me
You're all over me
I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground
You're neither friend nor foe
but I cant seem to let you go
but the one thing I still know
is that you're keeping me down
you're keeping me down
you're onto me
and all over me
Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long..

See you later

And soon you will leave
to another province
with a girl you wished was me

We were everything together
those first two years
we were one and we were strong

Nothing I could do to make you love me less
Everything you did made me love you more
That's what love is
that's when you know that it's right

we were right
But now we are different people
We have different paths
maybe some day those paths will cross once again
when we are ever closer to who we are meant to be

I'm just happy I have you in my life
You are so very special to me
And words cant ever express that
We both fucked up
we both see that
my heart will always be with you
and I will always be my complete self with you
There is nobody else in this world that I am more comfortable with

Be safe on your travels.
Wear your heart to share
but wear it safe and guarded

Your spot in my heart is the biggest
And it will always be there
It will wait for you to come home
it will wait to see you smile
when you are sad, I will take every ounce of happiness within me
and send it to you
Because one day without a smile upon your face
is an eternity in hell for me
I promise that I will always be here for you
You can always confide in me
I will put all my feelings aside and be completely selfless
Just to guide you to safe grounds

Our love may not have been meant to last
But what we had was special
you gave me two of the best years of my life ... and then another rocky one ;)

I love you, Carolina

Be safe. <3



"And your eyes light up when we talk about the past
God, I miss those songs we used to sing
Talking like getting away would be the greatest thing
Well me, I got out,
And you, you kept singing to me
Like that's really going to set this free"

You, Her and Me

Smothered in lies
Let down by life
Behind her beautiful fake smiles
She secretly cries

Veins dried up and pumping dust
Her heart frozen;
As though time ever even mattered
And still she’s learning

Let your heart love
Let it break
Let it mourn
Let it grieve
Let it smile
Eventually let it die
Like a weltering flower

Cold hands in need of warmth;
Warmth found within your soul
Never dying but
Forever changing

Chemically, you act like oxygen
But I know your mass is different
Physically, you’re translucent
You show me your light, but you hide all your images

Eyes blinded with the sun shining through
Her darkness is shadowed
As she walks upon its thickness
And trips into its shallow waters

In the water she sees her reflection
She looks into her own eyes
And she sees the secrets she’s left locked up
Linked to her past; her own ball and chain

Cuffed against the tide
Weighed down by her own insecurities
Drowning in her pride
Lost, torn and inside-out
Cut deep within me so I can breathe without you

Abstract magical hidden message!

Today, I surrender dear,
When its sleepy time down south.
Speak easy,  the song of nature is a good start.
Cartoons and Forever plans is my fantasy Clean getaway.
I'll find mine when getaways Turned Holidays sing to yellow butterfly's. 

brackets

Bleed my life into your eyes.
Breathe my sorrows into your ears.
Touch my pain upon your skin.
Those tear drops are visions of painful memories.
Those whispering sorrows, lying truths.
The goosebumps on your skin is the reality of my past skeletons.

(I) Close your eyes.
(I) Plug your ears.
(I) Shield your skin.

I'm still standing here.
I'll stand here til the day I die.
Then I'll haunt you every night..
Screaming every word you never want to hear.
"I love(d) you"

Freezing

Tear my limbs and break my bones.
Open my wounds and rip out my veins.
Pack my arteries with plaque
And fill my lungs with acid.
These ways of torture do not amount to the pain
of how I feel when you're gone.
And you are gone.
I wish my heart would stop pumping this blue liquid through my veins
Inject memories of us into this stream, call it life, and I shall believe.
Jaded in your eyes. The eyes of the world.
The cold nipping and biting at my tips.
The sun burning through my retinas.
I don't need these fingers if I can't touch you.
If its you I'm not seeing, then take these eyes too.
Your voice is gone so take my ears; there is nothing else I'd rather hear.
Freeze the rivers, dry the oceans,
crumble the mountains and burn the forests,
I don't need them anymore.
No water for drinking, no trees for breathing.
Take my life to the in between and I will be happy once again.
This Life's one way path is so material;
What do we want?
A home that is left broken?
Friends that betray you?
Love when it is always breaking my heart?
A family that will die before my very eyes?



Ice will cut you in the winter time
and drown you when it starts to melt.

Father-Daughter-Mother-Son

With every silent tear drop falling fallen on my cheek
lies a memory of you exploding into space.
Our lives intertwined from now until forever.
Paws and hands and toes and claws scratch at the past
and break our futures.
Feelings and hearts meaningless to the universes world.
Out there we will someday meet again.
Our freckles, symbols of our pacts.
Our lives not over, but only moved...
Moved between time and distance.
And when the stars and planets align
the gaps will be closed and the paths we've trodden down
will once again cross.

Dancing With the Stars

Close kisses, body brushes,
blues turn to bliss transforming crushes.
Dancing stars in your eyes
the sparkles can't disguise.
Sadness Subsides..
Intriguing lips catch my gaze,
and your spoken words captivate me.
Curves and movements meant for me
when you know that it is only you that I see.
Secret smiles sent my way with hidden meanings left unsaid...
It's your song dancing in my head.

I Don't Think You Know

I don't think that you even began to know.
Something so easy, something so smart.
Something so simple.
Something that you can't even begin to know.
My heart begins to ache.
But then all I want is you... next to me.
Just kiss me... moments away... I'm ready my love.

R.I.P. Karma (aka Karmichael) 05.11.06- 01.06.10

Christmas Eve 2009


there is this pain
in my heart
a void
without you
i wish i had more time
I wish i could have been better
you were in my arms only moments ago
and now you are with my dad
you will be happy there
but i will miss you forever
why do my loves always leave me
always the ones that get me
you were me in cat form

forever alone
forever sad
Forever love; Digame

words can't express the explosions and waves of feeling riveting through my body
i want to scream. I want to cry so loud and scream. come back to me. STOP LEAVING ME. my baby boy. such a little bastard. gawd I love you so much.
I just lost my 3 year old son.

so much I want to write. Whos going to hang out while I shower and follow my every step around my tiny apartment? Whos going to sleep at the end of my bed all curled up with his eyes covered? Who is going to meet me at the top of the stairs every time I walk through the door? Who is going to attack my feet and arms while I sleep? Whos going to manipulate me with his cry? Who is going to sit and stare at the door every time he wants outside... and peak through the window when he wants in? Whos going to put cat fur all over my dark clothes and in my food and in my mouth and in my eye and everywhere I thought I didn't want it? Whos going to roll around and stretch and be all cute for me when you want something? No more stare downs with the demon squirrel on out balcony. No more play dates with Jack, the cat from down the road. No more shying away from my touch cus You're too good to be pet by me. No more surprise cuddles and neck scratches. No more rolling over when I sing softly to you. No more abnormally loud purring. No more secret sharing. no more bird watching together. no more indy 500 around the apartment. this can go on and on and on. but my heart cant if I do. No more Karma. Is that my Karma?


"let me go womyn, flash in ma eye"


his favorite perching spot cus he always had to be with someone.


"why do you always do this to me?"
"Cus I love you soo much"


trying to cuddle.

♥

♥

♥

♥